Fight Club: Green Bay

Would you fight this man?

Would you fight this man?

It’s been almost a week now since the Packers’ practice erupted into fisticuffs, and while practices have been much more well behaved since then, I haven’t stopped thinking about that day. I recently said to myself, ” Self? Who do you think would win in a five-on-five fight to the death between the Packers’ offensive and defensive squads?”

It’s a good question, I suppose. Which ten guys (five offense, five defense) would you like to see go at it in a fight? Here are my ten.

Offense

Josh SittonHe’s large. He’s in charge. And he’s got that freaky beard and long hair thing going on. If looks could kill, you’d probably get a little bit uncomfortable just looking at Mr. Sitton. He’s the captain of the offensive fight squad.

James StarksAt 6’2″ and 218 pounds, Starks is big. He’s also fast. If any of the Packers running backs were chasing you, you’d probably be the most afraid of James Starks. He’d have to be tough in a fight. Just don’t kick him in his legs, because they might break. Alternatively, if you want to beat James Starks in a fight, kick him in the legs, because they might break.

Jermichael Finley – He’s big, he’s strong, and we all know he has clubs for hands. Sounds like a born fighter.

Jonathan Amosa - If you’re building a team of guys who are going to be tough in a fight, going for the dudes with tattoos is a good idea. Dudes with big tattoos always look tough in a fight.

B.J. Coleman - Desperation always makes people fight hard, and Mr. Coleman is fighting for his job right now. Just tell him that if he comes out alive, he gets to have a roster spot.

Defense

Johnny JollyI don’t have to explain why Johnny Jolly is on the fight squad, do I? I hope I don’t have to explain why Jolly is on the fictional fight squad. (It’s the prison time.)

Clay MatthewsNobody wants to fight against the insane guy. Clay Matthews is the insane guy.

Are you held together by tape? ARE YOU A ROBOT?!

Datone Jones - Do you work out? Do you lift giant chain things?

jones

Datone Jones does. Your non-chain workout is less cool than his chain-centric workout.

Andy Mulumba - War is not something that needs jokes. It’s a terrible thing. But if you were putting together a list of toughest guys on the Packers, Andy Mulumba would be near the top of that list. Consider this from the Journal Sentinel:

When he was 12 years old, Mulumba’s family fled the Republic of Congo. The 23-year-old won’t rerun the details. Just know it was rough. War and poverty was all he knew. With the Second Congo War raging — a deadly conflict that led to 5.4 million deaths — Mulumba’s family left for North America.

If you want a dude in a fight, pick Andy Mulumba. He’s been through some stuff.

Sam Barrington – The first time the Packers got into a training camp fight, Sam Barrington came out seeming like he’d enjoyed himself, as evidenced by this quote:

“Anybody who knows anything about the Greek mythology, gladiators don’t go out there to be nice to anybody. So that’s kind of how I see myself. You go to war every day. You have to take it like you’re out there to take a guy’s head off. You have to have that mentality. Because if you don’t, the next guy will. You’ll be defeated.”

Translation: come at me, bro. With mythology and stuff.

Conclusion

So, who ya got? You’ve got your five guys on offense and your five guys on defense. Some of them are ex-cons with some (likely) hard core prison fighting techniques. Some are guys desperate for a roster spot. Some are guys with a past they don’t want to talk about. Some are just big scary looking dudes with beards. Who’s gonna win?

The answer is Kevin Greene. Kevin Greene will win.

kevin greene celebration

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One thought on “Fight Club: Green Bay

  1. Thanks for this. Made my morning.

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