Let’s be honest: even with Scott Tolzien being named the starter for this week and Matt Flynn back in the fold, the Packers’ quarterback situation could definitely use some work. It got so bad Sunday that people were actually talking about the Packers’ emergency quarterback as a legitimate option, which as it turns out is John Kuhn. (Side note: admit it. You, like me, kind of wanted to see Mr. Kuhn take a few snaps from center. Can you imagine if he’d come in and thrown a touchdown pass? People at Lambeau would still be screaming KUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHN three days later, even if they’d ended up losing the game. But I digress.)
With players dropping like flies this weekend, it was worth wondering if the Packers would even make it out of Sunday’s game with any quarterbacks on the roster. It was so bad that Varsity Blues star James Van Der Beek (Dutch names for the win) jokingly tweeted that the Packers had asked if he felt like strapping on some shoulder pads.
Obviously, if you were going to sign a fictional quarterback, you could do a lot better than a high school back-up who’s not really sure he wants to play football. So that got me wondering: what fictional quarterback should the Packers hypothetically sign? I’ve got five ideas.
1. Willie Beamen – Miami Sharks
Willie has experience coming off the bench, he’s a proven winner, and he has all the tools to be successful in the NFL. You want intangibles? He’s got ‘em. A big arm? He has that too. And as a bonus, he has first hand experience witnessing a great motivational speech. What’s not to like? The only question about Steamin’ Beamen is if he’ll be ready to hand the reins back to Aaron Rodgers when that collarbone finally mends, but I’m sure that can be sorted out.
2. Ronnie “Sunshine” Bass – T.A. Williams Titans
Green Bay can always use a little California sunshine, and who better to bring it than the guy who goes by the nickname “Sunshine”? “But Jon,” you say. “What about what you said about high school back-up quarterbacks not three paragraphs ago?” Good question I say. The answer is because this is my column and I make the imaginary rules, and also because if anybody can live through the gauntlet of pressure and racism like Ronnie Bass did, unite a small town, and throw a serious block or two on an absurd game-winning reverse, that’s a guy you want on your football team.
3. Paul Crewe – The Citrus State Prison Mean Machine
Let’s make one thing clear: we’re talking about the Burt Reynolds version of Crewe, not Adam Sandler’s. Burt Reynolds is cool enough that people take him seriously even when he grows a mustache, which is more than I can say for the facial hair I’ve got going on. As far as the quarterbacking goes, you really can’t bet against a guy who braves the prison yard and pulls together a team to compete in a mostly-rigged game. The NFC North pales in comparison.
4. Shane Falco – Washington Generals
I have to admit, I only stuck Mr. Falco down at number four because I was afraid of being biased. If I was signing an imaginary quarterback, it’d be Shane Falco. If he’s anything like the guy who plays him, he’d be the most even-keeled quarterback you could ever imagine. Think about it: Keanu Reeves has no emotions. He doesn’t even have facial expressions. How could a guy like that possibly be rattled by a high pressure situation? The simple answer is: he won’t. That’s the guy you want taking the snaps
5. Madden 2004 Michael Vick – Atlanta Falcons
Of course, there’s a correct answer if you’re going to bring a fictional quarterback onto your team, and that player is the Madden 2004 version of Michael Vick: the impossibly fast, ridiculously strong-armed virtual super weapon of a football player. You can have your Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson or whomever else you want. Vick is the greatest fictional football player of all time, and if you could somehow take him out of the TV and into Lambeau Field, the Packers would instantly be Super Bowl favorites.