By Jon Meerdink
Now that the Packers’ preseason schedule is all but set, it’s time to take a look at each game in excruciating detail! But since it’s April, that could be a problem, because teams could turn over virtually their entire roster by then. No matter! We’ll still give you the exact details of what will happen in ever preseason game. Please note that these outcomes could be subject to change.
Week 1 – Tennessee Titans
Key Match-up – Dom Capers vs. Packers’ fans crippling sense of self-doubt
Analysis: Packers fans will continue to question Dom Capers’ chops as defensive coordinator and the judgement skills of the Packers’ front office for keeping him aboard. The questions continue right up until the first drive of the first preseason game, at which point (insert name of defensive rookie drafted in May) will step up and make a big play, restoring fans’ confidence in the defense. All problems being solved, the Packers will cruise to an easy victory.
Final Score – Packers: 27 Titans: 4 (nine Mason Crosby field goals and two safeties for Tennessee. The annual questions about the Packers’ offense return.)
Did You Notice? – Fans in the parking lot burn Scott Tolzien in effigy after the game, demanding Graham Harrell‘s return. A mysterious, heavily bearded man wearing sunglasses is seen lurking outside the Titans’ stadium.
Week 2 – St. Louis Rams
Key Match-up – The Packers’ offense vs. expectations
Analysis: Driven into a fury by the Packers’ lack of offensive production, Packers fans take to internet message boards, Twitter, and bars across both the internet and Green Bay, ranting and raving about the predictable nature of the Packers’ offense. Mike McCarthy, in a moment of weakness, reads the message boards, and decides to rework his entire offense around trick plays involving Randall Cobb lining up at quarterback. I don’t know if you know this, but Randall Cobb played quarterback at Kentucky once.
Final Score – 43-6, but I won’t tell you who wins
Did You Notice? – Graham Harrell, having caught wind of last week’s calls for his return, follows the Packers to St. Louis, despite not being offered a contract by the team. Vince Young, having caught wind of last week’s calls for Harrell’s return, follows Graham Harrell to St. Louis, despite not being offered a contract by Harrell.
Week 3 – Oakland Raiders
Key Match-up – James Jones/Charles Woodson vs. Nostalgia; C.J. Wilson vs. Reality
Analysis: Returning to Green Bay for the first time, James Jones and Charles Woodson are greeted by powerful cheers and murmured whisperings about Ted Thompson‘s uncaring attitude toward “some of the greatest players we’ve ever had.” Meanwhile, in the all-important third preseason game, Charles Woodson is beaten badly by both the fleet-footed Randall Cobb and the not so fleet-f00ted (rookie wide receiver). James Jones is held without a catch because Matt Schaub lol. C.J. Wilson also returns to Lambeau Field. No one notices.
Final Score – Packers: 17 Raiders:3
Did You Notice? – Datone Jones has two sacks, adding to his previous total of three in the first two preseason games. Unnamed AFC scouts praise his length and athleticism. The heavily bearded man is spotted again, this time in the Packers Pro Shop gazing tenderly at a Brett Favre Fathead. He turns when he feels you staring. You catch a glimpse of a green jersey with a faded number four on the front. A crowd of boisterous fans moves through your line of vision. The bearded man disappears.
Week 4 – Kansas City Chiefs
Key Match-up – Unnamed back-up quarterback vs. Chiefs third string defense
Analysis: An as yet unknown Packers’ back-up quarterback striving to make the roster as a third string quarterback posts a valiant but flawed effort against defensive players who will be serving pizzas inside a week. He is instantly adored by Packers fans, but cut two days later. Aaron Rodgers stands on the sidelines wearing a baseball hat. C.J. Wilson stands next to him, wearing a Raiders uniform. No one notices.
Final Score – Packers: 6 Chiefs: 6 (game is rained out in the 3rd quarter because rain is scary and dangerous.)
Did You Notice? – Jarrett Bush plays the entire fourth quarter on his own time because that’s just the kind of guy he is. Datone Jones injures an ankle. Unnamed NFC scouts criticize his “desire for the game.” Graham Harrell sits in uniform at the end of the Packers’ bench. No one knows how he got there. After the stadium lights dim, the bearded man, now wearing a Nike Golf hat, walks slowly to midfield. He looks first to the south end zone…and then the north. He sighs deeply. It’s been so long.